Why Didn't You Tell Me?
Inspired by on Lenny's Podcast
The cruelest thing you can do to someone you care about is protect them from feedback they need to hear.
Kim Scott had an employee she calls Bob. He was charming, funny, beloved by the team. He also did terrible work. For ten months, she said things like "This is a great start, maybe make it a little better" - too worried about his feelings to be direct.
When she finally had to let him go, Bob looked her in the eye and asked: "Why didn't you tell me? I thought you all cared about me."
That question haunts every parent who's ever let something slide to avoid a meltdown. Your child is being unkind to a friend - but tears. Your kid refuses to try something hard - but tantrum. So you let it go. You're being nice, right?
Except you're not being nice. You're being comfortable. Kim Scott calls this ruinous empathy: caring so much about someone's feelings in the moment that you fail to tell them something they need to hear for their future.
The kindest thing isn't protecting them from discomfort. It's caring enough to have the hard conversation - delivered with love, but delivered.
PM Theme: Giving and receiving feedback
Parenting Theme: Setting loving boundaries
“He looked me right in the eye and he said, 'Why didn't you tell me?' And as that question was going around in my head with no good answer, he looked at me again and he said, 'Why didn't anyone tell me? I thought you all cared about me.'”Kim Scott · 00:24:46
“By far and away the most common problem occurs when we do remember to show that we care personally... but we're so worried about not hurting someone's feelings that we fail to tell them something they'd be better off knowing in the long run. And that is what I call ruinous empathy.”Kim Scott · 00:06:07
