What Did You Hear Me Say?
Inspired by on Lenny's Podcast
When your child reacts like you just insulted their entire existence, try this: 'What did you hear me say?'
Carole Robin's husband comes home exhausted. She offers to help with something. He snaps: 'Don't tell me what to do.'
Instead of defending herself ('I wasn't telling you what to do!'), she asks: 'What did you hear me say?'
He says: 'I heard you say I didn't know what I was doing.'
That's not what she said. But it's what he heard. And once she understood that, his reaction made perfect sense.
This is magic with children. You say 'Let's put on shoes' and your toddler collapses into tears. You say 'Time for dinner' and your four-year-old screams 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE.'
Before you react, ask: 'What did you hear me say?' Or with younger kids: 'What do you think I meant?'
Nine times out of ten, what they heard is not what you said. They heard 'Your game is stupid.' They heard 'I don't care about what you're doing.' They heard 'You're in trouble.'
Once you understand what they heard, you can actually address it. 'Oh, that's not what I meant at all. Let me try again.' This is how repair happens. Not by being right - by understanding.
PM Theme: Clarity in communication
Parenting Theme: Connecting with your child
“One of the most powerful things you can do when somebody responds in a way that feels very unexpected and out of whack with what you just said is go back to, 'What did you hear me say?' Because nine times out of 10 what they heard is not what you said.”Carole Robin · 01:05:04
“He said, 'I heard you say I didn't know what I was doing.' Now, by the way, it didn't matter. That's not what I said. And I didn't say, that's not what I said. I said, 'Wow, really glad I asked, because now that I understand that that's what you heard, I understand why you reacted the way you did.'”Carole Robin · 01:06:04
