Anger Is the Bodyguard

Carole Robin dropped a truth bomb that changed how one of her students showed up at his Monday all-hands: anger is almost always a secondary emotion. What's actually underneath? Fear or hurt.

He'd spent the weekend furious at his team for missing a deadline. Ready to blast them. Then he remembered: what am I actually feeling? He was afraid - afraid that nobody cared as much as he did.

So instead of leading with anger, he said: 'I'm deeply worried and afraid that I'm the only person here as concerned about this missed deadline as I am.' His team rallied faster than they ever had before.

Anger is a distancing emotion. It pushes people away. Fear, hurt, sadness - these are connecting emotions. They bring people closer.

Your child is angry. Slamming doors. Shouting. The anger is real, but it's the bodyguard. What's it protecting? Maybe they're scared they disappointed you. Maybe they're hurt that their sibling got something they didn't. Maybe they feel powerless.

Don't fight the bodyguard. Look past it. 'You seem really mad. I wonder if something also hurt your feelings?' You might be surprised what walks through the door once the bodyguard steps aside.