Anger Isn't What You Think It Is
Inspired by on Lenny's Podcast
Your anger at your child isn't really anger - it's pain wearing a disguise.
Matt Mochary learned something that changed everything: anger isn't a base emotion. It's a cover. Our brain doesn't want to feel pain, so it externalizes - and shoves that pain onto everyone around us.
The problem? The people closest to us absorb it. The people we love the most. The tiny humans in our care who don't understand why mommy or daddy suddenly has that scary voice.
Matt's advice: when you feel anger rising, don't act on it. The real work is allowing yourself to feel the pain underneath. It sucks. It actually hurts. But you're not pushing it onto your kids.
Your child spills milk for the third time and you feel that flash of heat. That's not really about milk. Maybe you're exhausted. Maybe you're feeling like a failure. Maybe you're scared you can't handle this. The milk just gave the pain somewhere to go.
One practical tool from Matt's wife: she learned to say 'I perceive you to be in anger.' Not 'you're angry' (accusation). Not 'are you angry?' (passive aggressive). Just 'I perceive you to be in anger.' It was enough to help him wake up and not act until he could shift out of it.
Anger is a signal. Don't follow where it points - ask what it's hiding.
PM Theme: Self-awareness and blind spots
Parenting Theme: Teaching emotional regulation
“I just learned very recently that anger is not a base emotion. Anger is actually a cover. It's a cover for when we feel pain, and so our brain doesn't want to feel the pain, so instead it externalizes it. But the problem is it shoves that pain onto everybody else around us.”Matt Mochary · 00:14:06
“Then finally she said, 'I perceive you to be in anger.' So it's an I statement and it's simply what she's perceiving. There's no judgment. That was able to punch through my anger and then I woke up.”Matt Mochary · 00:12:40
