Make Them Feel Heard (Really Heard)

Matt Mochary has three levels of making someone feel heard. The first is easy: I read what you wrote, thank you. The second is better: repeat back what they said until they confirm yes, that's it.

But the third level is where real connection happens: reflect back the thoughts in their head that they were afraid to actually say out loud.

When someone gives you feedback, they're polishing it, softening it, rounding the edges. The real thoughts are bigger. So Matt tries to say those bigger thoughts: 'I think what I'm hearing is you're thinking screw you, Matt. Is that close?'

People either say 'Yes, that's it' or 'No, that's stronger than what I was thinking, but directionally that's right.' Which really means: yes, that's it.

With kids, this is powerful. Your child says 'I don't want to go to school.' You could say 'I hear you don't want to go.' But what if you said: 'I wonder if you're worried that nobody will want to play with you today. Is that close?'

Suddenly you're not fighting about school. You're talking about the fear underneath. That's where connection lives - not in the words they say, but in the thoughts they're afraid to share.