Not Yet (Instead of No)
Inspired by on Lenny's Podcast
When your toddler wants something they can't have right now, 'not yet' is magic - 'no' triggers a fight.
Nir Eyal spent five years researching distraction and discovered something parents of toddlers desperately need to know: telling yourself 'no' backfires. Abstinence actually increases the craving. But saying 'not yet' - that works.
He uses the 10-minute rule. When you want to do something you know you shouldn't, don't say no. Say: 'I can do that in 10 minutes.' You're not denying yourself. You're just postponing. And nine times out of ten, by the time ten minutes pass, the urge has faded.
This is exactly how toddler impulse control works. 'I want the cookie!' If you say 'No cookie,' you've started a war. But 'You can have a cookie after dinner' - that's different. They're not being denied. They're waiting.
Nir's insight: the urge feels permanent, but it's not. Emotions are like waves - they crest and then they subside. Your toddler thinks this wanting will last forever. It won't. Your job is to help them surf the wave until it passes.
'Not yet' respects the desire while creating space. It's not a battle. It's just time.
PM Theme: Dealing with ambiguity and uncertainty
Parenting Theme: Teaching delayed gratification
“A much healthier technique is not to tell yourself no. It's to tell yourself not yet. You're not saying no, you're saying not yet. And so, you can do just about anything for 10 minutes.”Nir Eyal · 00:19:57
“Surfing the urge acknowledges that these emotions are like waves. They crest and then they subside. But that's not how we think about emotions. Most of us think about emotions as always being there. If I feel bored, I feel like I'm always going to be bored.”Nir Eyal · 00:19:12
