Say the Thing You Cannot Say

Claire Hughes Johnson has a personal operating principle that sounds terrifying: say the thing you think you cannot say.

But here's how to actually do it without exploding everything.

'Ask a question. A question is not threatening. The question could even be: Is there something we're not talking about?'

Then own it as your observation, not a judgment.

'If I said, I feel like there's something we're not talking about, and I wonder if it's... I own it. I'm not passing judgment.'

In parenting, this transforms hard conversations. Instead of 'Why did you hit your sister?' try 'I noticed you seemed really frustrated before that happened. What was going on?'

Instead of 'Stop whining,' try 'It feels like something's bothering you that we haven't talked about.'

The unsaid things don't go away. They fester. They come out sideways in tantrums and meltdowns. The skill is making it safe to say the hard thing - for both of you.