Make Them Feel Heard

Matt Mochary has a hierarchy for making people feel heard. The basic version: repeat back what they said and ask 'Is that right?'

But there's a deeper level, especially when emotions are high.

'If I want to make you really feel heard, I reflect back what I imagine are the thoughts in your head... I cause myself to feel that anger, then what are the thoughts that appear to me?'

He gives an example: 'I think what I'm hearing you say is you're upset and you're thinking, screw you, Matt. How dare you walk into the office and not even say hello to me. Is that close?'

People either say 'Yeah, that is it' or 'No, that's stronger than what I was thinking, but directionally that's right.' Which really means: yeah, that's what I was thinking.

With kids, this is transformative. Don't just mirror their words. Mirror the intensity of what they're feeling inside. 'You're really, really mad that you can't have the cookie. It feels so unfair. Is that right?'

Their thoughts are always bigger than their words. Match the thoughts.