The 15% Rule

Carole Robin taught Stanford's legendary 'Touchy Feely' course on interpersonal dynamics. Her most practical tool for building relationships?

'There's a really important circle called the learning zone. You have to step outside your comfort zone in order to learn anything, and especially to create a deeper connection with somebody.'

But how do you know if you've stepped too far?

'Step a little bit outside your comfort zone. If you step a little bit outside your comfort zone, you're very unlikely to freak yourself or the other person out. You'll feel it a little bit.'

This is the 15% rule. Share 15% more than feels comfortable. Then see what happens.

With your kid, this means being slightly more honest about your own feelings. Slightly more vulnerable about your own struggles. 'Daddy felt scared when that happened.' 'I made a mistake and I feel bad about it.'

15% opens the door. Then they share 15% more. Then you do. That's how trust is built - in small, reciprocal increments.