Stay On Your Side of the Net

Carole Robin spent 20 years teaching Stanford MBAs how to have difficult conversations. The breakthrough concept: the three realities.

'In any exchange between two people, there are three realities. My intent, what I do or say, and whatever happens on your end - the impact.'

Here's the problem: you only have access to two of them.

'We don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three. I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end.'

We draw a metaphorical net between intent and impact. 'Stay on your side of the net.'

Wrong: 'You're not listening.' (You don't know that.) Right: 'When I was talking and you looked away, I felt unheard.'

Wrong: 'You don't care.' (You can't know that.) Right: 'When you kept playing after I asked for help, I felt frustrated.'

Same information. Completely different reception. The first invites defensiveness. The second invites conversation.